The Agony of Mother’s Day

There are a few days out of the year that I would rather stay in bed all day. Today is one such day. Every year I let it sneak up on me. It is not a day I like to be around other people. I prefer to spend it with my immediate family only. I don’t really even want to spend it with my own mom and mother-in-law though I know that seems very unfair to them. I have other living children so I cannot ignore it completely. But something inside of me does not want to participate in the rituals our society has placed on Mother’s Day. I do not want to go to church and be around all the other moms who have all their children with them. I despise sitting through a baby dedication on Mother’s Day. I hate the dreaded question, ‘How many kids do you have?’

Last night I actually received some validation in how I felt. A person who just barely met me actually mentioned how hard this day must be for me and other women like me. Never have I even had a friend or family member vocalize to me how hard Mother’s Day must be for moms without their babies. It gave me comfort knowing someone else out there thought about the impact of this day on us.

My thought on Mother’s Day is just like any other holiday we have to face throughout the year without our babies. Do what you want to do. If you have no desire to be around other moms, don’t. If you can’t handle sitting through baby dedication at your church, don’t go. If you want to spend the day with your family, other children if you have them, or another bereaved mom, just do it and don’t worry about what other people think. Do what is right for you.

It took me several years (like four or five!) to be comfortable going to church on Mother’s Day. I can now sit through a baby dedication and I am generally fine with it. This year, however, we do not have a church home since we have recently moved. I do not want to spend the day around strangers so I am choosing to not go to church today. We are spending the day, just the four of us, at a park, cooking out and being together. It is a far cry from what most people will be doing today. But it is what I want to do and it is what is right for my family. Go do what is right for you.

Making Progress!!

The IRS updated a few days ago to say that they are finally up to processing application filed through August '08! (We filed in October.) Hopefully, we will have a determination in the next few months. Once we get a determination letter and are approved as a non-profit, I will begin the process to incorporate as a non-profit in Georgia. More to come! I plan to begin blogging more regularly now that we are more settled in Georgia.

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The IRS is still behind

The last update on the IRS website was in January. At the time of the update they were assigning applications filed by June 2008. We sent in our paperwork in October. Pending the next update, whenever that may be, I fear we are in for a long year. I actually called them last week and the representative that answered the phone told me they are told to check the website. I found that humorous. So, I will continue checking and will let you all know something as soon as I know it!

Email List Created

I have been trying to work on a message board system for a few months now and cannot get the one I want up and running. So this morning, I created a Yahoo Groups email list. Feel free to join and begin chatting on there. I will be moderating who joins and new member posts for a short while until I know those joining aren't going to spam us. Please fill out the intro questionnaire when it comes and you will be approved as soon as possible.

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Hurry Up and Wait

We applied for our non-profit status (501c3) last fall (October 08.) We have essentially been waiting for the approval since then. Our hands have been tied because although the IRS says we can operate as a non-profit while our application is in review, we have been unable to push forward with things due to lack of funds. The organization’s budget came out of my personal budget whenever we needed anything. The economy being what it is, we have had to cut out funding the organization from our pockets.

The IRS website indicates that there is a backlog with the 501c3 applications dating back from July 08 due to some processing errors. They are working to correct these as quickly as possible. Unfortunately it means there are still several months of applications that have to be processed before ours is even on the table.

So we are in hurry-up-and-wait mode. I wanted to let you all know where we are and where we stand and to let you know that we are still here. I am working to get the message board up again. I will continue blogging. Please contact me personally by phone or email any time if you need support.

On a personal note, my family and I are in the middle of a move. We are moving back to GA to be closer to family. We are very excited but sad at the same time! We have lived in Hernando for five years and have made many wonderful friends and memories here. The organization will remain in Hernando for now and all of the contact information will remain the same. Please do not hesitate to contact me by email or phone if you have any questions or concerns.

RYB Pregnancy Loss Support Group

Hernando Public Library
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
6:30 PM

Grieving Through the Holidays

As I write this it is not even Thanksgiving, yet stores are playing Christmas music, people are hanging lights on their house and trees are being decorated. Very soon, the signs of the holidays will be everywhere we look. Whether we are ready to make merry or have no desire this year, our friends and families will be. Cards will be sent and received. Lists will be made and presents will be bought. For grieving parents the question lingers, how do we get through what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year when we do not feel like celebrating.
That first year after we lost Samuel, we didn’t feel like anything. We did not put up a tree. We sent no cards and did not have a big traditional dinner. It had only been a few months and we just weren’t ready. Yes, we got a lot of flack from family about it. But they were in another state and we didn’t have to see them (we went for Thanksgiving though, but that’s another story.) Thankfully I cannot remember if we received any comments about our lack of holiday spirit from our friends. Our oldest child was only two and since we didn’t do Santa, so it was easy for us not to do Christmas that year. I remember putting out an ornament for Sammie and lighting his candle. We did what we wanted to, spent time with each other and did not let anyone tell us what we “had” to do.

1. Decide what you will do. If you don’t feel like socializing at your company party or pretending to be merry at a community gathering, then just don’t go. Decide what is important enough that you really do want to do it and choose to do just those things (if any!)

2. Inform family and friends as soon as possible if you aren’t doing things you normally do every year (like hosting a New Year’s Eve Party or attending a Cookie Exchange.)

3. Keep it simple. We hear this every year and in several different ways, but really, this year, keep it simple. It won’t matter if every thing is just so if you don’t feel like doing it anyway. The first Christmas, birthday, and anniversaries without your baby are the hardest. Prepare for that and keep them simple.

4. Do something to remember your baby. We like to buy or make an ornament every year for Samuel. We sign our holiday cards with a small butterfly to represent him. We also light a candle during our family gathering to signify him. You can donate to a shelter, Ronald McDonald House, needy family, school or hospital. Adopt a child from Compassion International or other organization.

5. Find a friend or friends that can accept your hurt and love you through the pain. Maybe get together with some other bereaved moms and have lunch or attend a memorial service, Angel of Hope in your community or do a project for other bereaved moms (such as knitting blankets, making gowns or putting together care packages.)